Admittedly I've been wearing a santa hat for a good six hours now.
I think I can safely say that this act, coupled with taunting my dog (who has been wearing reindeer ears for a good three hours) is getting me into the christmas spirit :)

So here it is, merry christmas

Everybody's having funnnnn :D merry christmas from supernatural ;)

sorry i've failed at writing blogs recently,
Every time I've tried to, I've literally been stumped and haven't been able to think of anything longer than a paragraph to write.
So right now I'm just writing and not really thinking about what I type (potentionally good/bad, could go either way) and hopefully it'll develop into a pretty (fricken sweet) blog.
Although I doubt it..

So it's christmas eve eve right now.
Which means tomorrow is christmas eve.
Which means the day AFTER tomorrow, is Christmas.

Y'know, I don't know if it's just me, or everyone is feeling it this year, but there is certainly a decline in christmas spirit in amongst my family and friends.
We've all reached the age where making tree-shaped cards and singing christmas carols is no longer appealing.
But surprisingly i've realised that things like that MADE it christmas when I was a kid.
I remember in primary school, we'd spend a good three weeks leading up to the holidays making christmas related paraphinalia, decorating miniature trees and wearing christmassy jewellery.
Then, on the last day of school there'd be a 'christmas at Killara' and we'd all go to school, sing christmas carols and have a huge BBQ.
Then there'd be the carols by candlelight in town, which we always used to go to, and it was incredible. Cold, and you got wax on your fingers from melting candles but it was worth it :)

now its just...its technically only a day away and I really don't feel nearly as excited as I should be.
ALTHOUGH I am getting a laptop which is good. And Inception. And hopefully supernatural season five.
The two aforementioned DVDs will be watched frequently on my new lappy, which I have yet to name.
But. Yeah I am excited but only for material goods to be honest...the christmas spirit has fucked off tbh.

merry christmas
hope you get what you want
love effy.
<3

Jensen. Ross. Ackles.

s with you
Strange name but sweet holy jesus, that man's face was carved by God.

I'd like to thank my mother for buying me the first season of supernatural last year when I was going to be home alone, best thing you ever bought me mum, because it introduced me to this sexy beast.

Completely infatuated, speechless. <3


Just thought I'd share a bit of his sexiness with you ;D

sexy.

An insight into the earlier workings of my messed up mind.

I found this, wrote it in January 2010...

"I walked towards the kitchen, with mixed feelings of angst and a deep hatred towards myself.
This was the third time I was to attempt it.
Quietly I opened the drawer, & took our the first knife that I lay my hands on. Taking it closer to my chest, I see it glimmer in the moonlight that beams in from the windows above me. I press the point into my chest. The tip makes a small hole in my shirt. I can feel a slight pinch as it makes contact with my skin. This time I push it harder, but I can go through with it. No matter how much I'd like to, I can't do it.
As disappointed as I am with myself for not 'finishing the job', I had known from the start that I was incapable of self harm.
I sit myself back down on the couch and glance at the clock. It's 3:30am. Great. Leaning back, I close my eyes and sigh.

Mum had always blamed herself for the way I turned out. She thought that somehow it was her fault that I couldn't control my emotions or even my mind.
But it's not mum's fault...after all, I'm the one always worrying for no reason. I'm the one depressed, wanting a neverending escape. I'm the one who has trouble eating because the thought of having to stomach something makes me physically sick.
Psychologists and Psychiatrists have always told me to get on top of my anxiety I'd have to get pissed off at it, and demand my life back. After all, it's technically just me arguing with myself.
But as pissed off as I am at myself for alway giving in and letting it take over, I can't seem to get on top of it.
Everytime things seem to get better, there's always something to shit on my parade & turns the days into crap.
It makes me want to cry, I'm so annoyed at myself.
Why couldn't I just get the job over and done with? I wouldn't have to suffer if I were dead.
I don't think my sister has ever believed me when I say I'm depressed. She can't seem to comprehend it. She'd always say "you're too young for that shit, you haven't got depression," which always made me feel shit because I felt as if I were lying about how I actually felt.

Again, I glance at the clock. 4:15. I've been sitting here, my mind whirring away for 45 fucking minutes.
I've come to the realization that nighttime isn't any good for my anxiety.
It gives me time to dwell on the bad feelings and no matter how hard I try I can't distract myself.

Despite all this, I'm getting better at putting on a brave face as if nothing were wrong when someone asks if I'm okay...


Yeah, I'm alright. Can't you tell?

I never thought I'd hear myself say this..

.


but I actually enjoyed camp. Above is a photo of a few of my friends and I (i'm sixth from the left)
I even made a few friends.
Conquered a few fears.
And managed to survive a 15km hike (which I am still recovering from, mind you)
but wow.

It was actually a lot better than I anticipated.
Honestly shocked.

But now, holidays, holiday homework (eww), christmas, new years, decorations, sleeping in, movies, friends, pools, tanning, burning, the beach, YAAAAAAY.

might even get a boyfriend, at this rate.

i like those odds!